Us Against the World
by LadyBow8
Summary: Hatter and Hare feel they should reciprocate Alice's visits to Wonderland by coming to the real world uninvited... and getting stuck. Hatter/Hare
1. Chapter 1 They Don't Think Much

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Alright, new fanfic! I don't know how often I'm going to update this, but hey, when it comes, it comes. I have a disclaimer to add to this one, though. (You know, besides the part about not owning Adventures in Wonderland.) This story is the creative property of both me and my friend Alice/Tea_Holic/I can't remember how to spell her name on this site and I'm too lazy to look it up, but she's writing a story called Tea Quiero. :D Anyway, we were originally going to roleplay it with her as Hatter and me as Hare, but we got busy, so I decided to start writing it myself. She approved! So everything's fine. Anyway, enjoy. Review? :D

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Part 1 – They Don't Think Much**

INT. ALICE'S ROOM. 5:00 PM.  
A gloved grey hand pierced the otherwise unoccupied air of the little girl's bedroom, the length of the arm stopping at the surface of her mirror before it could reach a shoulder. It suspiciously jerked around and for some reason retreated back into nonexistence. A second later, out came the end of a top hat, and then a certain head of a certain Hatter who looked like he just saw his life flash before his eyes. He curled forward and struggled out of the tiny frame, then got caught walking with it over his shoulders. He wriggled to the side and lifted it off of him, then set it back down, immediately taking note of his handsome reflection and smirking. He took a few deep breaths and turned around, though, surveying his surroundings.

Nothing out of the ordinary... a desk with some books, a mound of stuffed animals, a shelf with countless trinkets, My Little Ponies, and Polly Pocket houses. He glanced at the white fluffy carpet and wiggled his toes inside his shoes, then stepped forward. Suddenly his eyes met those of an indifferent, sprawling cat on Alice's bed.

Before he could make any attempt at peace with the cat, out from the mirror came another friend from Wonderland, who landed on his face with his arms extended. Hatter immediately swung around.

"Hare!"

He scurried to help him up and he eagerly grabbed Hatter by the arms for support. Once they were both standing, Hare continued to cling at him with wide eyes.

"How the hell did y-... what did you do? Dive in?!"

Hare gave him an offended glare. "I tripped."

"You really suck at tripping, you know that?"

Hare patted his afflicted nose a little. "...Well, we're here. Should we go find Alice?"

Hatter couldn't help but approach the cat. "Hey little guy~" He reached out looking just a little too enthusiastic. The cat hissed. He curled his fingers back in and scrunched his shoulders.

"Hatter, I think that cat's a girl." Hare mentioned, inching to his side.

"Oh, and you know all about cats, hm? ...Mr. Hare?" Hatter asked as Hare extended his arm to it himself. The hand suddenly retracted.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Hatter smirked, but Hare was not amused. "Excuuuse me? I might be a hare but I think I'm large enough to handle a cat." He tugged on his vest a little for emphasis and reached for the cat again, who immediately tensed. "Now look, we're gonna get along fine-" In mid-sentence, the cat lunged for him. Hare rose his hands and dropped to the floor, shouting and swishing limbs as she swatted her claws at him. Hatter reached down and yanked her up and away from him, but he continued to shout "it hurts" and requests of "save me". Eventually it died down and Dinah wriggled out of Hatter's grasp to hang by the window sill.

Hare stood up and smoothed the wrinkles out of his suit, taking note of her new position. He received a look from her that only a cat could give. It read with much apathy. He crossed his arms and dropped his gaze to the floor.

Suddenly Alice came prancing in carelessly. She froze before she had even opened the door all the way. The two men were equally stiff. Hatter took the initiative.

"H-hey Alice." He weakly waved.

Her mouth gaped, she closed the door behind her and fumbled blindly for a lock that didn't exist. A very awkward silence passed over the trio. Hatter couldn't seem to read Alice's expression, so he coughed a little.

"Hey Alice." He repeated. Hare twiddled his thumbs and averted his eyes from the utterly petrified 13-year-old.

"...What are you doing here." She finally asked.

They seemed put off by her hostility.

"What do you mean 'what are we doing here?' Is that any way to greet your friends?"

Alice stared at Hatter incredulously and finally relaxed her tense posture. "Well.... yes... it kind of is when your friends show up in your room without your permission."

Hatter and Hare darted their eyes around as they tried to work a response out nonverbally.

"Well... you know... we figured... we didn't have anything to do tonight... we thought we'd come visit." Hatter tried.

"But you can't just come unannounced."

Hare cleared his throat. "You come by unexpected and we don't mind!"

"Yeah, but I don't show up in your bedroom." Hare thought about it a moment, agreeing it was indeed very good that she didn't arrive in such a place. Before he could respond, Hatter piped up again.

"Well... would you like to talk somewhere else? Maybe we could go to the park! You have one of those, right?!"

"It's five'o'clock," Alice sharply answered. Hatter looked Hare in the eye again uncomfortably, then turned back to the little girl.

"Alice... I get this feeling you're angry."

"Well!... Ighg.." She strolled towards the window. When she took one more glance at the two nervous grown men huddled together by her bed she started chuckling to herself under her breath. She ended it with an abrupt inhale. "-You're in my room." She said aloud, basically to herself. After another long awkward silence, she composed herself. They were not used to having this sort of moment with Alice. But then again, they also had never been alone with her in a bedroom. Hare slowly felt the weirdness of the situation sinking in. Hatter, though, looked like he really really wanted to go to the park and this silence was just an inconvenience.

"Alice! Dinner!" A female voice called from downstairs. Alice twitched nervously and darted her eyes between the men.

"I-I've gotta go. You guys can't stay here, I'm sorry, just go back to Wonderland and we'll talk later." She gently shoved them towards the mirror.

"But, but,-" They tried. When Hatter reached the mirror, he did nothing but hit his funny bone on the glass and grab it with a frown on his face. Alice froze.

"G-Go back," she repeated.

The two just stood there placing their hands on the surface looking confused.

"Okay, okay, wait, you have to stand over here, and walk, like this." She held her hand out and came towards the mirror. Her fingers dipped inside like they were puncturing jello. Hatter and Hare lined up with imitating gestures and stooped towards the mirror. Hatter's hand landed on it, and Hare landed on his shoulder.

"Alice!!" Alice danced in place again.

"Aghghgh, okay LOOK, I'm going down there. You guys keep at it! And whatever you do, do NOT leave this room! I'm dead serious about this!" She pointed at them with wide eyes and approached the door. "Stand over here while I'm leaving so nobody sees you." She pointed to a corner by her desk and they obeyed. The door slammed shut with quite some haste.

"Hare, I feel bad about this. She doesn't seem to want us here at all!"

Hare frowned. "Maybe it was just our timing."

Hatter reached the mirror again and tapped it.

"Alright, try again."

They both took turns entering the mirror, each with Alice's epic forward-hand. Neither succeeded. Eventually they were squatting on the floor with their hands massaging their eye sockets. "I'll be right back!!" A young boy's voice screeched somewhere in the hallway. The guys immediately shot up.

"O-oh sh-"

"What if he comes in here?-"

Hatter answered the question by running for the lights. Save for the moon's reflection through Alice's windows, they were now submerged in darkness.

"You know, when people enter rooms, they turn on lights," Hare remarked.

"Shut up, Hare." Hatter said, approaching Alice's closet. He slid inside and gulped when he realized he had just stepped on one of her toys and heard a cracking noise. "Motherrr-" he whispered in discontent. He redirected his attention to Hare's dark shape, standing outside the closet in a bewildered state. "Find somewhere to hide, dummy."

"Hey, don't be a jerk to me." Hare turned around with his hands extended and spotted her toybox at the end of her bed. He reached in and pulled out some extra blankets, then curled inside and put the lid over his head.

"What the hell am I doing?" He thought to himself. Suddenly there was clicking coming from the closet. A cheery 'bing!' came from the toybox.

Hare begrudgingly took out his cellphone and the blue screen illuminated his claustrophobic hiding place.

"we'll just have to lie low till alice gets back"  
"i dont like how this is going hatter"  
"itll be fine, u worry 2 much"

There was inactivity for a minute. Hare finally replied.

... ":P"

When Alice reentered her room and turned on the light, she was pleased to see no one there. She sauntered toward her window and glanced at the mirror. The fact that they had even been there was astounding to her, now that she thought about it. Upon turning around, she noticed some tumbled blankets at the end of her bed. Her brow fell. "...I did not seriously leave these here and forget," she thought aloud. She looked for Dinah, who must've scuttled out of the room earlier, and picked them up. "... I'm getting old."

She picked them up and absent-mindedly, opened her toybox, and there was a certain hare with his knees up, cell phone in hands, and two adorable brown eyes staring up to her. "Mr. Hare, what are you doing in my toybox?!"

"You mean.. this isn't Wonderland?" He tried. She set the blankets on her desk and crossed her arms. Hatter emerged from the closet.

"Yeah sorry, we can't figure out how to work your mirror."

"...What?"

"Yeah, your mirror's broken." Alice was speechless. She was about to approach the mirror again but stopped.

"You can get out of my toybox, now."

Hare slowly extended his arms and legs and sort of crab-walked out. The two dusted their suits off a little and stood around while she thought how to resolve this issue.

"... Hatter?" Hatter wiggled his eyebrows at her in response. "...What do you mean... my mirror doesn't work?" He inhaled to respond but was cut off. "I showed you how to do it. You should be able to do it."

"It didn't work. I don't know how much clearer that can get."

Hare tented his fingers. "We tried it over and over again, Alice, just like you said."

"Alright, guys... I really appreciate that you want to spend more time with me."

"But-"

"I really can't have you in my house, though. This is dangerous! If my parents caught you in here, they'd call the cops in like 5 seconds."

Hatter and Hare chuckled to each other. "But Alice, why would they call the cops on two great law-abiding citizens like us?" Hare asked, tugging at his coat.

"... Lots of other reasons."

"Like...?"

"Look, I'm not bailing you out if they find you. I'd be in a whole other world of shit if they knew I had a magic mirror in here. So just stop with the questions." What humor the two had in their expressions melted after that. "Now would you please try with the mirror one more time?"

Hatter lowered his head and stood a reasonable distance away from the mirror. He got in position and looked to Alice for reassurance, then stepped forward. When his gloved hand slid over the surface again and he remained standing, Alice covered her face with her hands. "I can't believe this." She said, muffled. "I don't know what I'm gonna do." Hare's hand nervously lingered to Hatter's arm. He placed the other over his mouth.

"M-maybe there are certain times when inter-mirror travel's off limits. You know, like how the Wonderland buses close by 8:00." Hatter offered. Alice's hands dropped to her lap and she stared at the floor.

"...I can't believe this is happening to me."

The guilty pair hovered around her. "W-we're sorry."

"Where do you want us to go?"

"You can't go anywhere."

"Alice, come on, don't you think that's a little extreme, I mean Hare and I aren't that-"

"No. You can't go anywhere. That would be... just... i-it just. You just can't."

"Why not?!"

"I would say 'look in the mirror', but I'm kind of pissed at that thing right now."

"... What about how we look?!" Hatter asked, mildly offended. Hare turned on his heel to glance at himself. He smiled a little and turned back to Alice.

"I'm not gonna get into that." They seemed curious now that she'd brought it up. "Y-you guys are fine. You're perfect just the way you are. And you belong in Wonderland. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, but.." Hare began.

"Well what do you want us to do?" Hatter cut him off. Alice thought long and hard.

"Mr. Hatter?... Mr. Hare?" They paid extra special attention. "I don't want you to think that me being stressed about this means I'm angry with you or we're not as good as friends anymore. But I have to be really strict about this right now because my door doesn't have a lock. I have to start my homework. You guys are gonna have to hide down there." She pointed to the space between her bed and the wall.

"...Are you kidding me?" Hatter asked.

"It's a tight squeeze, I know."

"Oh, Jesus."


	2. Chapter 2 Bed Time

**US AGAINST THE WORLD**

**Part 2 – Bed Time**

**INT. ALICE'S ROOM. 7:30 PM.**  
Alice, as contently as possible, laid on the bed doing her math homework. A top hat and a pair of ears were visible next to her. Her hand paused on the paper before she leaned to the side.

"Do either one of you know what 25 x 11 is?"

The crouching men began counting on their fingers.

"It's probably a big number..." Hare mumbled. Hatter looked undedicated too.

"Don't you have a calculator or something?"

Alice rolled her eyes.

"I do, but I lent it to Paulina today and she didn't give it back to me..." She sighed raggedly. "Oh well... it's not even due tomorrow." She slammed the book shut and stuffed it in her bag.

"Well, it's bath time."

Hare poked his head out.

"What about us?"

She stopped at the door.

"...What _about _you?" Neither said anything. "...Oh. ...Sorry, you're going to have to stay there." She gave them her best sympathetic face, flipped off the lights, and exited.

Hatter and Hare propped their arms up on her bed and frowned at each other.

"...Okay, this was a really dipshitted thing to do." Hatter finally admitted. Hare dropped his head as Hatter patted him a little on the shoulder. There was silence in the dark.

"...Hatter, I'm hungry."

"You know, I haven't thought about it, but I am too... In fact, I could really use some tea..."

"... I sort of assumed that when we came, Alice would take us places and bring us stuff, and... have us meet people... You know, like we do for her."

"...I did too." Suddenly Hatter looked just as depressed as Hare. "...Who knows when we'll get tea again!"

"Well we've gotta do something about this!"

"What? Go down there and ask her parents to make us tea?!" Hatter asked sarcastically.

"...W...Why not?"

The hand over Hare's shoulder suddenly swatted him.

"Hareee, she told us nobody can see us!"

"...Do you think she's embarrassed of us?"

"No. We're too freaking awesome to be embarrassed of."

Hare thought about it a moment. He didn't seem convinced. Suddenly Hatter stood up and tip-toed towards the door.

"Hatter, what are you doing?!" Hare covered his mouth after he uttered it, slowly dropping his hands afterwards. _"...What are you doing!"_ Hatter gave him 'the eye' and turned the knob. He then leaned fully out into the hallway. He could hear the hum of the running water in the bathroom, but nothing else. Gingerly, he approached the balcony and overlooked the downstairs living room, astonished with its size, its harmonious design, and the family pictures hanging on the wall.

"_They even have their own Krystal..._"

Instinctively, his own two feet brought him closer to the start of the stairs, allured by the glow of the television screen, unhindered by the possibility of being spotted. The second his shoe tapped the first step, Hare poked his head out from the darkness of Alice's room.

"_Hatter, you get back in here right now!"_ Hatter froze, then sagged his shoulders

_"But. But Hare."_

_"Don't you 'but Hare', me. You __just__ said we can't be caught!_"

_"But they've got Krystal! We can check up on Rabbit or somebody and tell them we made it okay!"_

_"I've got Rabbit's number on my cellphone! Now get back in here!"_

Hatter lips rolled down his chin in deflated enthusiasm and tiptoed back. He closed the door and stood there a minute looking depressed.

"...Hare, I've gotta use the John." He finally said.

"I... I don't know what to tell you." Hare replied, lifting up his hands and shrugging.

"There's gotta be some way to get outside without going through the house..."

"I... I don't..."

Hatter reached the window and thrusted it open. He stuck his hat-clad head out for a moment and brought it back in.

"I wonder if there's a way to climb down Alice's roof."

"Hatter! We can't get out of here! Just accept it!"

"Maybe if we throw enough stuffed animals down there we can just sorta... land on them," he thought aloud, not taking Hare's negative talk into any consideration.

"I don't think Alice would be very happy with you if you did that-"

"And you can take the bedsheets and tie 'em up into knots, just like in the movies!"

"Hatter! In any other situation, where only _our _physical and social safety were being compromised, I would be all for this, but this is Alice's world and I don't think it's right!"

Hatter paused.

"...But. But we'll be just like the spies."

"I... I _know_... but.."

Hatter gave him a pleading stare that seemed to melt the poor bastard into a puddle.

_"Well..._ I _would_ like some tea... I mean it's not like..- okay!"

"Really?!"

"We'll be careful!-"

"Well _naturally_! When have we _not_ been careful?!"

"Never!"

"And since when have we noticed that even at our best, we're not competent enough to evade disaster?!"

"Never, as well!"

They rejoiced in the moonlight.

"Okay! I'll toss you the stuffed animals! You send them down! And make sure they all land in about the same place!"

"Got it!"

And so Hatter began plucking stuffed bunnies, bears, and ducks from around the bedroom. Hare caught them, very carefully might I add, in his arms and sent them on a fun ride down the roof to the front lawn. When the whole room seemed completely evicted, Hatter sauntered towards him.

"I think that'll do it."

"Yeah, but some of them are stuck. See?" Hare pointed to a pink Valentine's Day monkey and a Kermit the Frog plush clinging for dear life at the end of the gutters.

"That's fine. Once we get out there, we can throw them overboard.

Hare nodded. "Let's do the sheets now."

They paused a moment, then headed whimsically towards Alice's bed. Both grabbed the sides of her comforter and hurled it to the side. Together they tore off the top sheet, then struggled with the snugness of the bed liner. Hatter seemed incapable of yanking it free without pulling up the mattress along with it. Hare came around to his side of the bed, impatiently leaning over him from behind.

"Here. I'll hold to the bottom of the mattress, you pull it off." Hare began tugging, bouncing a bit to loosen the sheet's grip. "Man, whoever makes this bed must have the jaws of life for hands-"

"Aghgh! I can't get it!"

"Well pull harder! Harder!" By Hatter's last word, Alice entered the room and dropped the damp towel in her hands. Hare's jerking motion behind the bending Hatter came to a mortified halt.

"......What are you _doing_?!"

"We... wanted to be spies," Hare tried.

"What are you doing to my bed?!" Alice asked, realizing a second later her voice was too loud. Hatter was about to speak but she continued. "...Why does it look like some of my things are missing?"

"W-eh, whb-we-" Hatter blabbered.

"It was hi-"

"W-we kind of thought we'd be gone by now."

Alice sighed raggedly. "You guysss..." She whined. They stood up straight next to her bedside table. Alice discontentedly hovered around her pile of bed accessories when she noticed her window was open and her eyes flashed over something bright pink outside of it. She hurried forward and covered her mouth with her hand as to prevent screaming.

_"HATTER!_" Hatter wrung his hands a little and came towards her.

"Alice! We just needed them for a landing pad. Once we get down there, you can send us a basket on a string and all of your stuffed friends will be _fiiine_."

Alice breathed heavily and rose her hands to her temples.

_"You're __**not**__, going __**out**__ there," _she ordered, quite unbecomingly, but you could tell she was not used to speaking to her Wonderland friends in such a tone.

"But Alice," Hare tried, landing a hand on his buddy, "Hatter needs tea. You... wouldn't like him without tea."

"I'll bring some godamn _tea._"

"Really?!" Hatter's face lightened up. He clapped his hands together a little.

"For both of us?" Hare asked, just to be sure.

"Yes. For both of you." The two shared gleaming expressions and cupped each other's hands.

"Do you want anything to eat?"

"Yeah! That would be nice. Could you make us some... umm..." They silently agreed to turn their backs a minute and mutter to each other. They turned back to Alice and gave her twin smiles. "Would lasagna be okay?"

"I can't make you _lasagna, _it's past 8:00. I don't even know _how_ to make it."

"Well that's okay. Hare has a recipe." Hare dug around in his coat with a grin and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. He offered it to her but she just stared at it.

"I can't make it for you." She repeated, a little annoyed. "My parents would have no idea what I was doing."

They frowned. "I'm just going to bring you some snack food. You know, fruit and chips and stuff."

"D-Do you have any cake?" Hare tried.

Alice paused. "Anyway, I'll be right back. And _please_, put my sheet and my comforter back on my bed." She walked out the door grumbling to herself.

Hare and Hatter solemnly obeyed. Once her pillows were all straightened, they came to the window.

"...We might as well get those back," Hatter mentioned in reference to the stuffed animals at the end of the second story. "Here. I'm longer than you are... You hold on to my ankles and I'll slide on out."

Hare nodded a little nervously and watched as Hatter positioned himself on top the cushions under the window. "Alright hold on." Hare removed his curling hand from his mouth and grabbed Hatter. The daring man crouched into himself as much as possible and leaned out onto the sand-papery tiles. It was at this time that he remembered just how afraid of heights he was.

_"Do it like Spiderman..." _He reassured himself, stretching out his purple body and reaching for Kermit. He squinted his eyes and swatted for him blindly, then grabbed the monkey by the tail. "Okay, pull me in, pull me in, pull me in!" Hare leaned backwards with all his weight and slid the Hatter back to safety. He let his legs fall with a thud and hovered around him, taking note of the stuffed animals and trying to retrieve them, but Hatter's hand seemed to be stuck to them like ice.

"Hatter, let go of the monkey and the frog."

"I... I... Igihg..." Hare removed them from Hatter's death grasp just before he flopped to the floor and breathed heavily. When they were placed neatly back on her bed, Hatter was still lying there. Hare came down to brush the roof dust off his shirt.

"Come on, get up."

The door opened again and both perfunctorily froze until they realized it was Alice. She was holding a single cup of tea, two fruit snacks and a bag of something.

"Here you go." She weakly presented the cup to them.

"...One cup?" Hare asked, looking up to her with his other hand still patting the traumatized Hatter.

"Yeah. I had to pretend it was mine. Drink up." Hare took the cup of tea as Hatter sprang upwards to inspect the bag Alice had thrown next to his feet.

"Doritos! All _right!_" He chirped. Hare took a large gulp of the tea and swallowed with a grimace.

"_This_ isn't tea!"

"Yeah it is." Hare didn't know quite what to say. He lent it to Hatter, who skeptically sipped.

"Nope. This isn't tea." Hatter confirmed. He set the cup down dismissively and they munched on the chips as Alice rolled her eyes.

"It's black tea with _lemon_." Alice insisted. "And it has a teabag if you haven't noticed." Hatter caught the little paper hanging outside the cup in his index and thumb. It read "Lipton".

"...I've never heard of it."

"Well that's the only kind of tea we have."

Hatter and Hare frowned to each other. They seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.

"Now we know why you come to Wonderland-" Hare offhandedly uttered.

"Okay, you know what, you guys?! I'm just gonna be frank. ...You're kind of pissing me off." They dropped their eyes to the floor. "I don't have to be nearly as hospitable for you when you've come into my home without being invited and done nothing but cause trouble. I don't have lasagna. I apparently don't have good tea! We can't go out and play! But that's what happens when you throw consideration out the window!"

"Well actually, it was your toys that we threw out there-" Hare began before Hatter nudged him.

"-What he means is we're sorry. We weren't trying to be picky. The tea is fine!" He lifted up the cup high enough to make it look like he was taking a sip, but all he was doing was letting the liquid run over his closed lips. He set the cup down and smiled at Alice.

She thought a moment and exhaled.

"Okay. But could you move to the other side of my bed?"

They scooted behind the toy chest with their fruit snacks and Doritos in hand. Alice eyed the solitary tea cup.

"You forgot your tea."

"Oh yeah! How could we?! Send it over." Alice picked it up, leaned over her bed, and set it on the corner table.

"...I need to take care of one more thing," She said to the pair of ears and the top hat when she reached the door.

When no one was looking, she seeped out the garage door and came to the front of the house. She quickly gathered all the stuffed animals and shoved them into a wicker basket sitting on the porch. When she came inside, her mother almost ran right into her on her journey back.

"Alice? Are you still up and about?"

"Yeah, heh, just... getting something I thought I left in my coat." She reached for one of the jackets on the rack in the door way swayed her hand in the empty pocket like she was looking for something. Her mom, satisfied with the answer, roamed into the kitchen. "Don't stay up too late..."

"I won't!" Alice let go of the jacket after reasonable time "searching" and hurried back upstairs.

She entered the room and pounced on her bed, grateful that she had made it through so much shit without giving away who was using their house as a hotel that night. However, upon peering to her right, there was nothing but stirless darkness. She turned on a lamp.

With the empty Doritos bag and fruit roll-up wrappers at their sides, Hatter and Hare were fast asleep with their legs bent in uncomfortable positions and heads leaned into each other. She smiled with something akin to a mother's adoration and came to the toy box to pull out a blanket. She carefully wrapped it around their shoulders and paused a minute at their level to stare at Hare's whiskers and Hatter's polka-dot bowtie popping out. The fact that the two, one of them which defied evolution all together, came from a place scientifically unexplained, and were here in her room, made her wonder what kind of meaning Wonderland would have for her at an older age. Which was quite a thought she had never had before on the subject. The two things just didn't cross paths. She was content visiting for a few hours and leaving a place that, if mentioned to anybody else, would make her look like a schizophrenic patient. But none had ever had such a problem as their delusions suddenly existing one day and having to take care of them because they were dumbasses.

She turned off the lamp and crawled into bed. Hoping... so _strongly hoping_, that she would not wake up to a new mess.


	3. Chapter 3 They Have No Concept of Time

**Part 3 – They Have No Concept of Time, Either**

INT. ALICE'S ROOM. 7:00.

At 7'o'clock sharp, Alice's radio alarm went off. A hand swayed out from a mountain range of comforter folds and smacked the snooze button, then a head of blond tussled hair rose with a lethargic gaze. She wouldn't dare look to the right side of her bed, clinging to the idea that the whole night had been a crazy-ass dream and nothing more.

Nothing more.

In no hurry, she rose, noting that more of the wall was blank than would permit there to be two strange men still in her room. This made her more awake than she would usually be at this time of the morning.

She flicked off her alarm for good, paused, and worked her way to the other side of the bed with an awkward crawl that made her look like she was a large species of insect. We see her round green eyes emerge from a mound of bed in the corner of the screen. All hope was gone as she watched Hare's back rise and fall, an arm and leg flung over Hatter, whose mouth was gaping, and also whose hat had rolled away until obstructed by her computer desk. Alice only had to glance over his exposed blond roots a second before she covered her mouth mid-gasp and retracted.

Never before had she seen the man without his hat. He may as well have been stark naked.

She rubbed her eyes and tried to vanquish that sight from her memory before it was too late by heading for the bathroom. She brushed her teeth with a vacant stare into her reflection, combed out her hair, rinsed her face and opened the door. And who else would be there to bring cheer to her morning but her 9-year-old brother Brian, spraying her with a plastic water gun? As soon as the cold water hit her pajama-shirt, she screamed bloody murder and chased him about the hallway.

The sound hit Hatter's ears and woke him immediately. His eyes fell from the ceiling to the weight over his chest and knee, then to a nuzzling Hare. He was only half awake and didn't really know how to get out of this bind considering the space issue, so he patted him gently on the shoulder.

"Mmmph?" His friend voiced, but nothing more. The repeated warm brush against his neck was making him just a little bit uncomfortable.

"..._Hare._" Hare's eyes just barely opened. "_I'm kind of stuck, here. Could you kindly not-be on top of me?"_ Hare came to senses about his compromising position and shook out of it. There were still thuds and sounds of aggression coming from the hallway.

"...Do you know what that is?" Hatter asked, running his fingers through his messy hair and returning his top-hat.

The boy just didn't run out of energy._ "Whyyyy, oh whyyy did I say "yes" when they asked if they should have another child? Why?!" _She thought as she ran for him, clutching for anything- his swaying arm, the back of his shirt, a lock of hair... He skipped merrily in the direction of Alice's bedroom and suddenly normal morning hysteria had deadly consequences.

"BRIAN! BRIAN, YOU SAY OUT OF MY ROOM, YOU LITTLE TWIRP!" Naturally, it was his demeanor to do the exact opposite of everything Alice said. He held up the water gun and came parading in, squirting at anything she might find valuable and giggling like he was pissing at the feet of Lady Liberty. Hatter and Hare stayed ducked behind the bed and raised their eyebrows to each other as the event took place. When Alice reached her room, she tackled him to the floor and dug the gun from his hand, then held it right in the middle of his forehead, straddling him around the waist. He wriggled for release with no luck.

"**MOOOOOOOOMMM**!!! ALICE IS TRYING TO KILL ME AGAIN!" The fact that this room might become a meeting place for her whole family now made her hesitant about finishing him off. She slid off of him and shoved him out the door as he regained stance, then hid the plastic gun in her drawer. She breathed heavily with her hand over the knob when Hatter and Hare peered out from their sleeping place, questioning of her household manner. Her only response was a glance at them before her father opened the door.

"Alice. What's going on up here?" She quickly removed her hand from the drawer.

"He came at me with a water gun."

Her father sighed raggedly. He knew how this went. He seemed like he was going to turn around and leave, but his hand landed on the door again. "And Alice?"

Alice straightened her posture.

"He's only doing it because he can get a reaction out of you."

"...Don't most people react when they're squirted in the face?"

"I... I guess so. You know what I meant though."

Alice averted her eyes as he closed the door. She looked back to the guys and they popped their heads up.

"Hey Alice?" Hatter piped up. "I...I... I don't know if this is a good time, but... If... If I don't go to the bathroom soon, I think I'm going to die."

"I second that."

Alice seemed off in thought.

"Crap, I think we just made her even angrier," Hare added.

"Okay. I'll go downstairs and keep everyone in the kitchen. Puh-lease be _extra_ quick."

"We're guys, aren't we?!" Hatter reminded her. She bit her lip as they stood. If the whole hat-being-off-Hatter's-head thing was a surprise, she also couldn't remember seeing them look anything besides perfect. Both their jackets were missing, their bowties and shirt-collars were loosened... and now they were complaining about bodily functions? No. Just no. She walked out of the room. When she was all the way down the stairs, she gave a green light to Hatter and he quietly closed the bathroom door behind him and made business. Then took a look at himself in the mirror, and, not so happy with losing his dapper charm, hesitantly took Alice's (or whoever's) brush in his hands and tidied up his hair. Hare went in next and did things pretty much identically, thinking nobody would notice, and then returned to the room to find Hatter sitting casually on Alice's unmade bed. He was eying the mirror again.

Hare sighed and sat next to him. "I'm worried."

"About what?"

"That we won't ever be able to get back home."

"Hare, come on, if Alice can do it, and we did it _yesterday_, then eventually we're going to figure this out."

"But eventually is too far away. I'm not having any fun here."

"Alice will figure out what to do. She knows lots of things."

"I don't know, Hatter..." Hatter wrapped his arm around Hare's shoulder and shook him a little.

"Why don't we give somebody a call and see if they have any advice?" This cheered Hare up a little. "Come on, didn't you say you had Rabbit's number?"

"On speed dial!" He smiled. He plucked the Motorola from his pocket and proudly clicked twice. It rang probably eight or nine times before he answered, though.

"..._Hello-o'?" _

"...Rabbit?"

"..._Who... who is this?"_

"Oh come onnn, you know it's _me." _Hare flipped his wrist. There was a pause.

"He'a~?!"

Hare happily chuckled.

"Why the hell are you calling me?! And at this hou'a~?!" Hare checked the clock next to him, but wasn't fast enough to answer. "It's three tha~ty in the morning!"

"No it's not! It's 7:28!"

"No, I'm pretty su'a~ it's 3:30." Hare rose his hand.

"Well you're going to have to get your clock fixed, because-"

"-I'm not going to a~gue with you about the bloody time! It's ea~ly and I'm sleeping, you bahstard!"

Hare's informative finger drooped in defeat. Hatter's smile fell when he realized the conversation wasn't going as pleasantly as he had thought. Hare covered the receiver with his hand a moment.

_"Rabbit says it's 3:30 over there._"

_"Maybe there's a time difference?" _It dawned on Hare that maybe there was. He put the phone to his hear again.

"Listen, we're sorry, Rabbit."

_"We?_"

"Yes, I'm here with Hatter, in Alice's room."

"Are you trying to prank me?! I say! It's not enough to torment me during appropriate hours of the day, you have to-to-"

"But Rabbit, we really _are_ in Alice's room,-"

"That's it. You're just going to have to botha~ me lata~."

"Ra-"

When he heard a dial tone, Hare dropped the phone to his lap.

He tried to call him a couple more times, but it kept going to voicemail after the first ring.

Just then Alice returned to the bedroom and closed the door. She looked a little bothered that they were just sitting there out in the open, but then prepared to speak. "It's Friday..." She started. They didn't see the point in her mentioning it. "Which means I have to go to school. And so do my sister and brother. And my parents are going to work."

"Does that mean everybody will be gone?" Hare asked, like it wasn't obvious.

"...Y-Yeah. And that's kind of an issue."

"Alice... I think I speak for Hare and I both when I say that you acting like we can't even tie our shoes without help is kind of offensive."

"But I know you guys. Even the most simple task can become a catastrophe." They looked taken aback. "In Wonderland, what the fuck do I care? But in my own home, the blame's got to go on somebody, and-"

"Blame it on the cat-" Hare cut in. Alice squinted her eyes.

"What?"

"Just an idea..."

Alice stared off in space a moment and then rolled her eyes.

"Anyway, so yeah, you being here alone is going to be a challenge."

Hatter grumbled.

"Alice, we're not going to do anything _stupid!_"

Alice thought a moment, approaching the mirror. She took one look at her reflection and the two men behind her and then turned around sharply.

"Will you try with the mirror again?"

Hatter and Hare looked to each other and nodded, then Hare and Alice cleared the way for Hatter. He extended his arm and came towards the mirror, and not surprisingly, nothing came of it. Alice lowered her head.

"I guess I have no choice but to trust you."

They huddled together and crossed their arms, their exasperation for Alice's lack of faith sinking deep.

"I've got to get going. You guys have to _leave _this house _exactly_ the way it is. No jumping on tables, no diving from the stairs, no objects flying out windows..." She paced in front of them and counted on her fingers. "Don't use a single electrical appliance... Don't go into Cathy or Brian's bedrooms, or my parents'... Stay away from the windows..."

Hare put his hand over his mouth.

"That's a lot of rules."

"I know it is... I'm sorry."

"Well we've got it under control, nonetheless," Hatter reassured. Alice tried to look deep into his eyes and believe him.

"Yeah, okay."

She took a few deep breaths and went to the dresser to pick out some clothes. She pointed towards the other side of the bed and the guys quickly hopped behind it as she took her leave.

As she changed in the bathroom, she saw her brush sitting on the counter. Once her pants were zipped, she stepped forward and examined it, discovering with a gaping mouth that there was a wad of dark brown entangled in the bristles. Her fingers gingerly poked in and ripped it out. She knew it was some sort of omen of the day ahead.

They watched her pack her books with an unsettling frown on her face, and when she reached the door, she looked like she was prepared to step out into the end of the world as she knew it. "Bye Hatter. Bye...Hare."

"Bye Alice," they replied simultaneously, waving their colorful glove-clad hands. She faintly smiled and left. There was shuffling downstairs for ten minutes or so, and then the crew had all vanished to their respective lives.

When it seemed safe, the pair rose to their feet and twiddled their thumbs in the middle of the room, eying the place with uncertainty.

"...You want to go make sure they're really gone?" Hare asked. Hatter puckered his lower lip and obeyed. He came out and hung over the stair railing listening for a stir, then returned to the door frame and swatted his hand for Hare to follow him, and so Hare did, nervously close, like a duckling. When Hatter reached the entrance to Brian's room, Hare shuffled into his back when he came to a halt.

"Would you calm down?"

"I-I'm sorry.

Hatter poked his head in the remaining rooms at the other end of the hall and lightly took Hare's arm to lead him towards the stairs. "Come on, let's go downstairs and find some tea." Hare's feet stumbled down the steps.

"B-b-but Alice says she doesn't have any other tea-"

"Psh, she's probably just saving the good stuff for herself."

"I don't see why she _would-_"

"Trust me. She's got to have tea. No sane person wouldn't."

Hatter swung himself around the banister and marched for the kitchen, Hare right by his side with his eyes darting in every direction. There wasn't a single hesitant pause in his stride before he was flinging all the cupboards open, with Hare behind him closing them as they were dismissed.

"Hmmm, nope, nope.... nope..."

"Hatter, I really don't think she has any-"

"And I really think you're starting to get on my nerves," he grunted. He shoved away a box of hot chocolate packets and found the Lipton box, which just inspired more grunting and pouting.

"Y-You're going under withdrawal, aren't you?"

"What was your first guess, Captain Obvious? It's 8:30! I would've had five or ten cups by now!"

"I think you're exaggerating just a bit."

"Well including how many I missed _last night_."

Hare closed the last open cabinet and landed his hands on Hatter's arm as he stood at the edge of the counter looking lost. "I'm sorry, Hatter... I know how you feel. W-we'll get tea somehow."

Hatter turned towards Hare.

"I'm kind of hungry again, too."

"...Alice never said anything about eating."

Hatter peered inside the cupboard again.

"We could make waffles."

Hare's face brightened at that idea.

"We could!" It dropped again. "...Except... we're not allowed to use the stove."

"...Toast?"

"...That comes from a toaster."

"Well I guess there's cereal..."

"Hey that's an idea!" Hare slapped his hand on his knee and they looked through the selections. There was nothing but a lonely box of Grapenuts. Finally, Hatter's brow dropped over his eyes.

"What the hell is _this_ bullshit?!" He exclaimed.

"It's finnneee," Hare reassured, patting him a little and taking out the box. "Any cereal is good with enough sugar!" With that, he lifted up the sugar shaker and did a little jig.

"How true that is!"

And so, they rocked around the kitchen like they were clever and ate the sugar-infested Grapenuts, as if their hyperactivity needed any extra kick.

"Hey Hare, I've got a great idea. We'll just go to the store and buy tea!" Hatter mentioned as they were rinsing their bowls.

"I guess, but we need money."

"Not to worry, I've got twenty woebucks." He pulled them from his pocket confidently. "That should be enough for two or three boxes."

"But how do we get there?"

"We'll just walk. It can't be far. Stores are everywhere, and they're always filled with friendly helpful people." He smiled to his buddy, who looked just as convinced.


	4. Chapter 4 Fresh Air

**Us Against the World**

**Part 4 - Fresh Air**

Hare shriveled into Hatter when another car came into hearing range from behind them. He was the one walking on the street's side, but both of them were unnerved by the number of vehicles passing them by.

"Hatter, I don't think I've ever _seen_ so many people in cars, before! Why don't they just walk?! It'd be so much less dangerous!"

"I don't know!"

"Maybe they're all going on vacation."

Suddenly a woman appeared at the corner, clad in visor and tennis shoes. A cheery looking golden retriever, mouth agape, was scampering along on a leash beside her. Hatter's face brightened.

"Ah! Someone else who finds value in staying in shape!"

"Hiii!!!" Hare swung his arm in a friendly nature at the woman. As she approached, she narrowed her eyes.

"Beautiful weather we're having today, huh?" Hatter tried.

The straight line across her mouth didn't budge as she passed, stepping out into the street and tugging at the leash when the dog tried sniffing them. They stopped to watch her as she departed and looked to each other.

"Well _somebody_'s got sand up their vag," Hatter theorized.

Hare lowered his head and they continued.

"Hatter... I have this feeling that we're kind of sort of getting lost."

"Oh, relax. I bet the store is right around the corner."

The turned the corner of the street and there was no store.

"Okay, the nex-"

"Maybe we should just ask for directions-"

"_Men_ don't ask for directions-"

"Then be a woman for a second and do the smart thing!"

Hatter paused for a moment as they continued to walk.

"...Touche."

A car was approaching. Hatter darted his eyes between it and Hare. He gave him a nudge in the arm. "Well?"

"Well, what? I told _you_ to ask for directions."

"Yeah, but they'll find you less intimidating."

"But, but Hatter, I wouldn't know what to say, I-I-"

"Just wave your arms in front of the car!" Hare hesitated and the car passed. Hatter grumbled. "Good _going_."

"Oh, you are _not _blaming that on _me_, Mister."

"Well _who else_ was I- HEY, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE."

"Wha-"

"QUICK, HARE, STOP THE CAR!"

Hare selflessly swung towards the curb and flailed his arms at the forest green Jeep as it decelerated in front of them. After a pause, the passenger's side window rolled down. Hatter and Hare met eyes for reassurance, then wandered up to the car.

When the two bow-tie clad gents peeked through, the man at the wheel had something on his face akin to a combination of a grimace and impending laughter.

"H-Hello," Hare started. "Do you know where the store is? We've been looking all over the neighborhood and we can't find it."

He chuckled.

"Yeah, if you go down Courtway," he pointed behind him, "until Pendleton, it's to the right, a couple blocks down."

The three shared a moment of silence.

"T-this is Courtway?" Hatter tried to ask.

"A-About how long would that take?" Hare interrupted.

The man made a high grin.

"Are you guys late for something?"

"Y-yes! We haven't had tea for at least 12 hours now!" Hatter swung his hands around in the window frame to help make his point. His mouth dropped when the inquirer started laughing at him.

"You guys are great. Listen, whatever that's for, good luck. The store's not that far away."

Hare lifted a finger. "So you said a right at Pendle..."

"Pendleton, yes." The window rose just a bit.

"O-Okay."

"Have a nice day-"

"Thanks, you too-!" Hare tried as the rest of the window went up. They could hear unrestrained laughter inside the car while it rolled away.

The partnership lifted up their hands and shrugged to each other before continuing on their way.

Eventually they came strolling through the automatic doors of a Walgreen's. Hare noted an employee eying them suspiciously from the Starbucks counter. Hatter on the other hand seemed content to scat-sing past an array of cereals. Two girls that looked about Alice's age were eying their selections when the strange looking men came by, prompting unwavering observation. Before Hatter noticed the attention he was getting, the light bulb seemed to go off in his head upon sight of Lucky Charms, right behind them. "OHHh! We NEED this. 'Scuse me." Before the girls even moved, he leaned forward and yanked a box off the shelf.

"Oh! Good idea, Hatter!" Hare clapped his hands together before Hatter lead him off. "Maybe as an apology we could go shopping for the whole kitchen," he suggested. "I mean Alice didn't even have _lasagna, _it's the least we could do for just _barging_ in-"

"I told you, _Hare_, I only have 20 woebucks. I'm not _made_ of money you know, contrary to popular belief."

"Nobody believed you were."

"Oh, perhaps all these years I've misunderstood you taking all of my stuff-"

"-What?-"

"-And never bothering to return any of it, by the way." Hatter raised his finger before he was stopped in front of the meat counter by his incredulous partner. Hare squinted at him.

"Oh I'm sorry. I thought maybe you _liked_ sharing."

"I-" His mouth dropped. "I do. That has nothing to do with this."

A woman with a cart seemed to want in their section. When they noticed that she had probably been eavesdropping, she darted her eyes around. The two decided to wander off towards the tea isle. They were silent, but it was obvious the argument's content in their heads was still swirling.

Hatter eyed a box of jasmine green tea a moment before Hare wet his lips to speak.

"So uh... since you're paying for that... should I ask if I can have any?" Hatter didn't at first look away from the box, but his hands slowly lowered it out of screen.

"Was that supposed to be some attempt at making me feel bad about nothing?"

"Why _no_, of course not. I just wanted to make sure you didn't mind me _taking_ your stuff."

"I'm buying the tea for the _both of us," _Hatter replied through his teeth.

"If that's what you want to do," Hare trailed, his eyes to the floor as he hugged the box of Lucky Charms.

"_Yes. _The cereal is for _both of us_ **too**! That's all I can afford. Alice doesn't even want us there anyway - this is just to hold us over until her mirror stops sucking at life."

Hare looked down both ways of the isle.

"Alright, alright-"

"How about we _not-_argue in the store?" He suggested, handing Hare the box of jasmine. He received it rather silently, all the while seeming unsure as Hatter continued browsing.

"...You really wanna get _green tea_ this time?"

Hatter's eyes receded into the top of his head in disgruntlement.

"Is there some _problem_ with green tea?"

"No, not at all, I- we just- it's not usually something you buy." Hatter stepped a little further away from him and grumbled. "_Jesus, _Hatter, remind me never to take you away from your tea. You need it like medication-"

"-Hey." He asserted. "You _knew _that already. In fact I think I've told you multiple times in our friendship that it balances out the mercury poisoning. You've sure had your head in the sand, haven't you?"

"_Screw you_!" Hare screeched, stomping out of the isle and leaving Hatter a little dumbfounded. "I'm not putting up with _that_! He thinks he can just treat me however he wa-" As he turned the corner, he came into frontal view of a little girl next to a shelf of Hostess products. He frowned awkwardly when she did not seem the most excited to see him, then released an ear-splitting scream that made Hare drop the Lucky Charms to the floor before turning the corner for her (assumed) parents.

Hare did not really know what to do with himself. A child had never screamed at him before. He sputtered incoherently like he was trying to explain himself to the now absent girl. A few passersby were giving him strange looks. Some just all together stopped and stared, wondering why there was a man with bunny ears in the store to begin with. He took note of them after a considerable bout of babbling and crouched down to pick up the cereal, then dashed back towards Hatter with a racing heart. Hatter's stiff posture dropped when the look in his eyes signaled real distress.

"Are you okay? You know I was just being snarky, right?" Hare shook his head fervently. Hatter groped for the right assessment, his eyes landing on the Lucky Charms, which was now being used as a security blanket of sorts. "...You're gonna wreck the box like that!" He complained, prying it out of his tight arms.

Without anything in his hands, Hare began to fidget, whining in the general direction of what had just happened to him, but Hatter just seemed annoyed.

"Okay... Um... " He caught him by the shoulder. "L-L-Let's buy this first, eheh," he tried, leading Hare along, whose fingers seemed to magnetically wrap around his other arm. "Hare, I-I need that to hold this stuff..." They turned a corner towards the check-out stand. "_Y-you're gonna make me drop it,_" he said a little more firmly. With the tea boxes sliding down Hatter's front, their walk became an inch along the front hall. "**Hare, I can't **_**walk**_** with both my **_**arms**_** around you**!" He let go of Hare and reclaimed his items before they fell down his crotch completely. When he had everything where he wanted it, he gave Hare back one of his arms and they approached the conveyor belt.

The cashier wrung the teas and the Lucky Charms in with questionable pace, taking the time to alternate focus on the register and her...colorful customers. Hatter sighed heavily.

"You know, I hear pictures last a lot longer," he cleared his throat, "I-I could be wrong, I-... If I had one handy, I'd give it to you..." He trailed, then looked down to Hare, who was not much paying attention and instead watching someone buy scratch-its at a nearby counter.

"That'll be... $11.89 please."

Hatter grinned at her a moment before digging around in his pockets.

"Okay, here's a four... and... 5... 6.... 7.... 8... " As he laid the woebucks down, the cashier joked.

"What is that, Monopoly money?" She asked. His concentration clearly interrupted, Hatter's counting awkwardly stopped. He paused.

"...What's Monopoly?"

"Uhhhh-"

"I know we're out of state, but-"

"No-no... um... you know, the game."

Hatter paused, then finally nodded to himself.

"...I don't follow you."

She inspected one of the woebucks carefully. "...In 'The Queen' we trust..." She muttered before snorting. The line behind them were now inspecting the scene curiously. "Eheh... uhm... You have to pay in US dollars. I'm sorry," she tried to inform them in all seriousness. He handed Hatter back his money.

"...We don't have any US dollars."

"Well then you can't buy this."

"But... but we have money!" Hatter insisted.

"But it's the _wrong_ currency; I can't do anything with that."

"So what, you're not gonna let us buy this?!"

"I... I can't," she replied a little guiltily, shrugging her shoulders. Hatter squiggled his lips and leaned forward.

"...I don't think you understand, lady. We haven't had tea... in like half a day. That's like a bazillion house fly years." She crossed her arms. "Okay, so I don't have the money, _ apparently_... But can't you cut two guys some slack here? Can I give you an I.O.U.? I mean..."

"No... I... I can't. And you're holding up the line."

"But this is serious!"

"N-No, it's really not."

Hatter breathed heavily.

"Well this is just... this is just total balls." She squinted at him, which prompted a fist on the counter. "I demand to see your manager!" He felt good about that until a pressure circled his other arm. He looked down at Hare who was glaring at him in some uncomfortable way that he wasn't used to, but all the same, it registered with him. "...A-Another time." He corrected himself, his vitriol dissolving.

"Okay... " She shuffled their items to the end of the table.

Hatter waited a second longer like perhaps she would change her mind, but she turned her back on them to make a call on the intercom. Hatter glared at her all the way around the corner, then continued a deflated walk towards the automatic doors. Hare looked longingly back at the fun letters on the cereal box as it grew in the distance, but his attention was redirected as Hatter lead him whimsically through the parking lot. They stopped at the steps of a Jack in the Box nearby, where Hare lowered to sulk. Hatter did the same.

"I-I can't believe this..."

He looked over to his friend, who was still silent as the grave.

"Listen, Hare, that argument we had was completely pointless. I would share with you no matter what, _okay_? If we _had_ anything..."

"_She yelled at me!_" He squeaked.

"-What?" Hatter waited a bit impatiently for an explanation. "Wha-"

"I was just minding my own business and she screamed, hysterically, at the sight of my face!"

"...Who did?"

"Oh God, maybe this is what Alice meant when she said we didn't look fit to leave the house!"

"Oh nonsense! Are you gonna listen to a little girl?!"

Hare's shaking fingers slid down his face, leaving him room to stare at Hatter like he was a dumbfuck.

"You listen to Alice just as often as I do!"

"Well I do when she's _around -_ it's only polite. But you can't take it _personally_."

"You _do_ take it personally, but that's not the point. I just scared away a little kid... What's wrong with me?! What did I do?"

"You didn't do anything. Calm down."

"_Hatter!_" He whined. When he stopped letting Hatter look him in the face, he knew his empty reassurance wasn't cutting it.

"_Hare_..." He touched his shoulder and leaned over him. "I guarantee... there is _nothing_ wrong with you. Alice doesn't think so, even if she got her panties in a twist last night, the Tweedles don't think so... _I _don't think so..."

Hare's shoulders sagged.

"...Really?"

"Yeah. Rabbit? ...He might be a different story. But he's everybody's critic." Hare chuckled and bit his lip with half a grin creeping up his cheek as he turned in Hatter's direction. "...Kids are nuts," Hatter continued. "Remind me never to have one."

"Okay..." Hare smiled. "I'm reminding you. Hmph!"

Suddenly a guy came strolling out of the Jack in the Box with a drink in hand. He walked around the pair with his eyebrow raised.

"Pardon _me_," he muttered.

"-You're pardoned," Hatter cut over him.


	5. Chapter 5 The Hour of Desperation

**US AGAINST THE WORLD**

Part 5 - The Hour of Desperation

**INT. ALICE'S BEDROOM. 3:30 PM.**

The door to Alice's bedroom cracked open and a green eye peeked inside. It surveyed in every possible direction for something large and purple or almost equally large in obnoxious rainbow pattern. When this did not turn up on the scan, she burst into the room, lifting her bed skirt, ripping open the closet door, and finding nothing but a stack of blankets in the chest. This puzzled her greatly.

In the kitchen, her mother was rummaging through the fridge and Brian was at the bar. Alice passed them stiffly for the back windows, inspecting the yard like there was a burglar alert and disappearing out the patio door. They didn't seem to take note until she returned, hair whipping by her as she made her round back to the living room. Her mother followed her.

"...Alice? Everything okay?"

Alice rose from a crouch behind the armchair and stared at her with her hands behind her back.

"Everything's fine, Mom!" She chirped, working the little-girl charm. She paused to smile and then sauntered towards the under-stair closet with her hands on her back, muttering to the floor. Her fingers lightly touched the knob of the closet door before she paused and turned around. Not so surprisingly, she was still being watched. Alice darted her eyes around.

"...Can I help you find something?" Her mother persisted.

Hmm... help her find Hatter and Hare. She was thinking not.

"No, I can find it." She smiled again and then fidgeted. "I'm gonna use the restroom first."

"Alright..."

Alice slid her right leg in the direction of the bathroom, and the left quickly followed. As she backed into the hall, her mother slowly shifted across the room to watch her daughter's awkward approach for the door. She laughed a little before slamming it behind her.

A swat of the shower curtains revealed an empty tub.

_"I can't believe this," _she whispered to herself in distress.

A convincing enough time passed before she emerged from the bathroom and came wandering back upstairs. Her sister passed her, but this just disturbed the girl even more. She returned to the bedroom with a giant lump in her throat. Her hands dangled at her sides as she walked circles on the rug. In doing this, it became apparent to her that a piece of paper unfamiliar to her was sitting at the corner of her desk. She picked it up with a gaping mouth, sure she was about to discover a whole new dimension of shit.

_Our wonderful friend Alice!,_

_This is Hatter and Hare. We just wanted to tell you that we found a park in this confusing neighborhood of yours and that's where we are. It seemed like a good idea so you don't have to be worried anymore about your parents finding us. We hope to see you soon. _

_P.S. Please bring money, if you have some. _

She read it over several times, the frown lines on her face drooping more each time.

.

.

"Hey mom?" Alice's voice uttered out of nowhere, causing her to jerk. She turned around and Alice had just appeared next to her, looking anxious.

"Y-Yes, sweetie..." She replied, rinsing her hands in the sink all the while.

"Can I go to the park?" She paused. "I mean... with Kim? Can we both go to the park right now?"

"I guess... How long will you be there?"

"Just a little while..." A clock nearby read 3:54. "Until 4:30. I'll be back for dinner."

"Okay. Just remember not to talk to anyone you don't know."

"Oh, I won't," she said through her teeth.

"Have fun," her mother added, but she could already hear the front door slamming.

The note in her hands was starting to stick from perspiration as she walked, and in all truthfulness, she was about to rip it right down the middle. Her mind was so clouded from angst she had to take a moment to even remember where the bloody park _was_.

A pair of swings lightly swung in the wind as a small blue figure in the unfocused background came marching from across the street. No one was on the jungle-gym, or the monkey bars, _or_ the structure. She peeked up the bottom of the slide and the only thing inside was the echo of her voice. After she'd circled the whole place once, she stopped by the rock-wall tower with her arms crossed and heard giggling from up above. Her eyes squinted and determined, she climbed the tower and pulled herself up. She stopped before she had flung her legs over and the guys were huddled at the other end smiling at her like this had all been a funny game.

She sunk down onto the bottom, the tight squeeze of her and two adults at the top of this little structure inhibiting most positions for her legs besides an uncomfortably high criss-cross. She laid her arms over her knees and leaned forward.

_"You guys are gonna get me in serious trouble._"

Hatter's amusement quickly flickered out. "What did we do _this _time?!" She glared at him for even asking the question. "We did everything you wanted us to! We didn't stand in front of windows, we didn't go into anybody else's bedrooms,"

"We didn't use the toaster," Hare pointed out. Hatter nodded vigorously.

"We left the house exactly as it was."

"Oh, you left it all right," Alice retorted. Hatter seemed utterly shocked.

"Wha- You never said _don't leave the house_."

"I said not to go _anywhere!" _

"W-we thought you meant 'don't go anywhere... in the house'," Hare tried. "While your family was _there, _that is." Alice, discomforted by this conversation's growing volume, poked out her head and glanced around the structure. She leaned back in.

"No. I really _didn't_."

"Well, you weren't clear," Hatter stated shamelessly. "Even if you were, I don't think you understand how badly we needed tea."

Alice looked like she wanted to strangle a bitch now.

"Speaking of which, we were wondering if you had any cash on you. We tried going to the store, but they wouldn't accept our money. She said it was monopoly or something."

"What?"

"We just need about 12 bucks, but if you have more, Hare wanted to buy some back-up underwear in case we're here longer than expected." She looked to Hare, who nodded matter-of-factly.

"12 bucks? Are you kidding me? It takes me weeks just to save up for a _fudge bar_."

"Don't your parents give you money?" Hare wondered aloud.

"No. They're total cheapskates."

"Well isn't there anything you can _do_?" Hatter asked.

"... I don't really think it's _worth_ it, to be honest."

The two placed their hands on their hearts and gaped at her. "_Alice_... I can't _believe_ what I'm _hearing!_" Hatter exclaimed.

_"_Well you're _not _going to be here _forever_! I came here to take you back and you're _going_ through that mirror! End of **story**!" They sunk down a little and Hare slapped his hand on Hatter's shoulder. "I just have to think of a way around my parents."

"M-Maybe you could pretend you saw a shooting star, and then everyone would come outside to make a wish and we could just walk upstairs," Hare suggested. Hatter thought about it and nodded, agreeing it seemed completely sound.

"Uhm... that's not going to distract everyone," Alice pointed out.

"...Someone in your family got something against shooting stars?" Hatter asked with a furrowed brow.

"N-No...it's just... You're right that we have to distract them, Mr. Hare," as she said this he smiled, having received the first positive comment from her in the past 24 hours, "but I think we can do better."

Suddenly there was a scrape of a shoe against the sidewalk somewhere in the distance. Alice peaked out and for some reason Kim was standing at the wooden border of the park, looking around a bit on the confused side. "_Oh shit__." _Alice dropped to the bottom with her hand on her mouth. It was the fastest they'd ever seen her move. She tilted her head up to them. "You guys _stay_ right here, and don't make a _sound_, and don't move an _inch," _she ordered. They nodded simultaneously, and she rose to her feet and dusted off her skort. On the climb down, Kim came towards the area. "Hi Kim!" She greeted, like nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Hi... Alice," she tried to say just as pleasantly.

"Come on, let's go on the swings!" Alice grabbed her by the wrist and lead her away. She started swinging immediately with a very determined pump. Kim slowly made herself comfortable, swishing herself at the bottom.

"...How's it going?"

Alice grinned wide.

"Pretty good! I have hardly any homework this weekend. How about you?" Kim scratched the back of her head.

"Well... besides a giant research paper..."

"Oh. Bummer..."

"I was kind of... gonna work on it tonight, but..."

"Oh... well... What're you doing down here?"

Kim paused. "...You... Your mom called my house and told me you headed out." Alice's swinging suddenly slowed.

"OH! OH YEAHHH. Sorry. I... forgot.-"

"-I kind of wish you'd asked me first..."

"Oh! Well... I was in such a hurry I forgot to call."

Kim cocked an eyebrow. "You do know that if your mom hadn't called, I would've never known I was supposed to come out here....right?"

Alice realized the giant hole in her explanation and nervously laughed it off. As Kim looked none the more satisfied, she dug her feet into the bark dust and turned towards her.

"Okay... the truth is..." Kim waited expectantly. "I wanted to come here alone. And I didn't know what else to say so I could leave the house."

"Oh..."

"Yeah! So if you want to go back... you know. I totally understand."

"Well I could stay for a little while..."

Alice bit her lip and looked to the tower. She felt sure she had just seen the tip of Hare's ear. "I~ don't think you should! Really - that paper's not gonna write itse-helf!" She laughed.

"...Well... ten minutes won't make much a difference."

"It will," Alice insisted, sending Kim into a state of true perplexity. "Trust me," she swished her hands out. "It's happened to me before. Woke up ten minutes late and had to print my paper and run out to the bus at _950 _words. The teacher wanted a _thousand_," Alice stated gravely, wide-eyed. Kim's dropped to the ground.

"Hm... Well... You have a point... We can talk tomorrow, right? I'll call you?"

Alice nodded vigorously. "Yeah!"

"Okay." She rose from the swing. "See ya later, Alice..."

"See ya!" She waved as the girl headed back down the street. When she disappeared at the corner, Alice's smile turned upside down. She ran back to the tower with utmost haste and climbed to the top.

"We've gotta get going, you guys."

"Oh, alright," Hatter said, rising.

"Mr. Hare? Can you tell me what time it is?"

"I... don't think my watch counts anymore." Hare shrugged. Hatter plucked Hare's arm and took a look.

"12:30, that doesn't sound right at all."

"Hmm... I guess Wonderland's four hours behind?" Alice pointed out.

"So Rabbit _wasn't_ just being an asshole..." When Hare realized he'd come to this conclusion aloud he covered his mouth. The trio were silent a moment.

"Okay," Alice renewed the conversation, "I've come up with a plan since. When we get to my house, you both will stand on either side of my door. When the time is right, I'll call you inside and you'll quietly walk up the stairs towards my room."

"...Well what are you going to do?" Hatter asked.

"Don't worry about that."

Truthfully, Alice wanted to keep the directions as simple as possible for these idiots.

They climbed down the tower and headed for Alice's house, but she wouldn't let them walk anywhere near her - they had to follow twenty-feet behind and look like a pair of stalkers instead.

When they reached the front lawn, they tiptoed to the door and Alice used her last moments outside to breathe deep and swat her hands in front of her. The door opened and closed behind her. "I'm home!" She yelled. A muffled "dinner'll be ready soon" was heard from the kitchen. Alice came to the downstairs bathroom, closed the door, and paused in front of the toilet. Her hands rose to the toilet paper, and after some mental preparation, they slapped at the roll repeatedly, shooting a long row of squares right into the toilet bowl. When the pile looked good, she squinted her eyes shut and flushed. It looked like the water rose, but everything went down, like she would've appreciated any other day in any other situation. Suddenly she spotted a rubber bendy-man of Brian's laying on the floor. Impulsively, she dropped it into the water with a ker-plunk and added toilet paper again. Her flush this time was quickly sending the water upwards. Alice took a deep breath and made her best theatric scream before rushing out the door and hopping around in the living room. "**MOM, DAD, HELP!!!**" As if on cue, her father came from the other end of the house.

"What is it, Alice?!"

"THE TOILET'S OVERFLOWING!" She danced about and put her hands on her mouth as the water slid over the edges of the bowl and spread across the bathroom floor. He rushed in to examine the damage, and soon after her mother and Cathy made the scene. "Oh God oh God oh God, all I did was flush!" Alice whined. As the spectacle grew, Alice looked to the front windows.

"Somebody get me some towels!"

"I WILL!" Alice replied, running up the stairs. She returned with a stack in her arms large enough to obstruct her vision and noticed that the whole family was now watching the toilet. When it seemed like a reasonable time to seep backwards, she did so quietly and cracked the door open, showing nothing but a tense grimace to the guys as cue. They hunched over and went off like soldiers in the line of fire. Alice rapidly closed the door and rushed back over to the family to fake a teary-eyed apology. Everyone not working on the toilet gave her sympathetic looks and patted her on the back. Brian, on the other hand, smirked.

"That must've been _some_ turd!" He uttered, almost unable to restrain himself from laughing at his own joke. Alice's guilt-ridden face transformed into an incredulous glare within the second.

"I DID _NOT_ DO THAT,"

"Sure, that's what you _want_ us to believe,"

"Trust me, the biggest turd in this house is _your head!_" She shouted.

"You two, just _stop_. It doesn't matter - this stuff happens all the time," her mom interrupted. Alice made sure to stick her tongue out at this little asshole before checking the stairs. As they seemed to have made it up alright, she stepped away from the group nervously.

"I can't watch..." She tried convincingly. Luckily, her disappearance hardly struck anyone.

Up in the room, Hatter and Hare had done right by kneeling behind her bed when she returned. Without a single word, she stepped to the side of her mirror and pointed to it with lackluster. They got to the feet and shuffled around a little, frowning to one another and to Alice. This time Hare went first. He emulated her posture perfectly and stooped just a little as the mirror grew closer. A second later, his body had done nothing but smush against it.

They tried at this repeatedly and somehow the godamn thing didn't work. Eventually Alice snatched the contraption to lay it down on the floor and was sitting on Hare trying to literally shove him through like a certain amount of pressure might do the trick. A circle of condensed breath emanated from under his face.

"Alice, you're _suffocating _him!" Hatter whined, who was laying on the floor nearby with pink marks all over his face, having endured the same situation a few minutes prior.

"_Why. Won't. You. Go. Baaaack?!!_" She asked to the back of Hare's head. He muffled a response but it was incomprehensive.

"Alice!" A voice called somewhere in the house. Alice scurried up and started slapping at the two to get back behind her bed. She returned the mirror to its rightful place and opened the door.

"Yes!"

"Dinner's all ready!"

"Okay!" She leaned back in. "Stay. Here." They nodded, their dignity too damaged to argue, and the room became black.

"_Jeeesh, _Alice is a total bitch now," Hatter's voice remarked.


	6. Chapter 6 The Scene of the Crime

**Us Against the World**

**Part 6 - The Scene of the Crime  
**

Twenty minutes later, Alice was back in her room, holding Dinah in her arms. She leaned into the door in relief and pet her on the head. "Well... the toilet's going to make it," she said aloud. The cat showed no response, so she sat her on the bed and leaned over the side.

Hatter and Hare were laying down playing Uno on their backs.

"...How does _that_ work?" She wondered aloud. Hatter gingerly placed a card into the pile by Hare's head before answering.

"...It probably doesn't."

As they continued to play, Dinah appeared at the end of the bed as well, and when Hare noticed, the cards went up in the air. This managed to scare the cat enough to send her off to the other end of the room.

"...Mr. Hare?" Hare breathed deep with his back to the wall. "I didn't know you were afraid of cats."

"He wasn't... before yours."

"What's wrong with Dinah?!"

Hatter looked to Hare, wondering if this was the time to explain, when suddenly both their stomaches growled loud enough to wake somebody. Alice groaned. "I suppose you want food again."

"Y-yeah... we tend to need that sometimes..." Hare affirmed.

"_I can't keep up with this..._" She muttered to herself while stepping away from the bed rather dejected. "...If you guys can just hold off for a little bit longer, I want to go to Wonderland. Maybe I can find out why this isn't working."

They frowned.

"You really think the answer's over _there_?" Hatter asked.

"Well it's not over _here, _is it?" They couldn't think of anything to say so she sighed on the way to the usual spot she stood to enter the mirror. "I know you're tired of being here too, and I know you're hungry. I'll be back in a little bit." They waited, with their elbows propped on the bed, for her to leave but her expectant stare sunk them back to the floor. Her shoulders sagged, she raised her arm and, as simple as pie, disappeared.

- - -

Somewhere in the Wonderland forest, a door in a tree trunk popped out and Alice stepped into the sunlight. She patted herself off and started walking, not so enthusiastically, when Dum came wandering by with a bag in hand. "Hey Alice!"

"Oh! Thank God... Someone I know isn't going to screw this up..." Dum looked around awkwardly. "I need your help."

"...Sure. ...What is it?"

Alice thought a moment, wondering if she really ought to be frank. She figured 'why wait?'

"Hatter and Hare are stuck in my room."

"What?!"

"Yeah, I thought the same."

"...How'd they end up _there_?"

"That's what _I'm_ trying to find out. I need to get to Hatter's house," Alice notioned in a random direction and the pair started walking. "...Did they say anything to you that sounded suspicious before they disappeared?"

Dum laughed.

"I don't talk to them very often- I mean... N-no, I haven't visited them lately."

"Hmm..." Alice tapped her finger on her lip.

Wonderland wasn't that big, so they arrived at the gate in no time. Dum let her inside and they strolled the length of the tea table... half drank cups still laying out with day old crumpets. How they lived like this, neither of them knew.

Alice came to the door and it pushed right open, no lock to speak of. They wandered the living room aimlessly, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary... in Hatter & Hare terms, that is.

"...What are we looking for exactly?" Dum asked.

"A mirror, or a book about mirrors, or something..."

"Something.. Hm... I bet upstairs is a better place to look. That's where they keep all their crap, after all."

This made sense, so up the stairs they went.

As conspicuous as it gets, the first thing they saw, erect in the middle of the room, was an oval shaped mirror, much bigger than Alice's, but probably still not large enough to accommodate Hatter's gargantuan stature. The two came towards it very slowly with their hands tense, as if they were approaching an animal in the wild. Alice's fingers carefully landed on the ridge as she inspected.

"I've never seen _this_ up here before," Dum said from behind her.

"Neither have I. They must have bought it somewhere."

"Maybe they were planning to visit longer than you thought."

"Well they made it _seem_ like they were just popping in," Alice trailed.

There were no books or materials on Hatter's desk that might have any connection with their plans, but as Alice turned to the back of the mirror, a crown with a heart-shaped stone was engraved right in the center. Dum appeared by her side and squinted.

"That's funny. It almost looks like it's one of the Queen's mirrors."

"...Oy," Alice responded with her hand to her temple.

"So you say they can't come back?" Ruminating, she kept her eyes focused on the banister but nodded. "Well maybe... the mirror isn't... _positioned_ in a... harmonious fashion," Dum pronounced carefully. Alice didn't react right away, but eventually she snapped her fingers.

"You mean to say... the mirror could be in the wrong place?!"

"Yeah! Maybe it needs... some fresh air!" He suggested, only half sure of himself. The skeptic in Alice was short lived from desperation. She came to the side of the mirror.

"Well help me move it!"

He obeyed and the two carried it downstairs and past the tea table. A green area outside the fence seemed good, so there it stood, with Alice and Dum adjacent, admiring its sparkle from under the sun-blotched treetops.

Not a second later, both seemed sure they had heard a rustle of sorts in the brush. When Dum turned around he found two black lenses conspicuously protruding from a nearby bush and crouched down to their level. Alice took a more direct approach, catching the cotton-tailed observer from behind.

"Mr. ...Rabbit?" He shuffled out of position. Dum and Alice looked at him like he had a lampshade on his head. He wasn't quite sure how to explain himself, so mid-inhale he thought it better to simply brush off his vest and look at the pair like they had no business questioning him at all.

"...What are you doing out here?" Dum finally asked.

"I was... bi'~d watching," he explained while stuffing the binoculars back in his messenger bag.

"Bird watching," Alice repeated incredulously.

"YyyYYyes, God forbid a bunny's allowed to have a few hobbies..." He tried, rolling away from his hiding place with his arms behind his back.

"I thought the Queen _didn't allow you_ to have hobbies."

Rabbit's brow dropped. "Well when the chores are done fast enough- I-I...." The two were obviously unconvinced. "Ohhhh, alrrright! The Queen sent me he'a~ to... oh dear..."

"What?!"

"Well, Hatta~ and He'a~ are missing, and... she assigned me the job of finding them. By whatever means..." The answer didn't entirely satisfy his interrogators, he noticed. "I thought if I waited long enough they might retu~n he'a~.

Alice and Dum looked to each other with hesitation.

"Now I've answe'a~d yo'a~ question. Now _I'd _like to know _what _yo'a~ doing with that mirra~." He pointed to it with squinted eyes.

Alice and Dum were still wondering if Rabbit was the right person to disclose to this type of information.

"We're....borrowing it," Alice started.

"For _what_?"

Alice wasn't clever enough to think of anything on the spot, so she bit her lip and waited for Dum.

"We're not sure yet. Uh-_Dee_ said... t-take it to him, and..."

Like God hated them, Dee emerged from the bushes.

"Dum! I've been looking all over for you!" The tense trio watched him stroll over.

"Uh! Sorry! We were just getting that mirror you wanted!" Dee's smile, having been reunited with his brother, quickly dropped.

"I never asked for a mirror-"

"Ahahaha!" Dum bellowed vivaciously, patting him on the shoulder. "_This isn't the time for jokes, Dee_," he said through his teeth, "Uhhh, _Alice_, we'll take it from here!" Dum placed his hands on the mirror, waiting for Dee with a sense of urgency.

"Now wait a minute, wait a _minute..." _Rabbit interrupted. "Yo'a~ not going to take that mirra~ without ahsking a~ you?"

"Uhhh..." Alice started. "Oh, you know the saying - it's not stealing if you bring it back before they know it's gone!" Half the group seemed utterly befuddled now. "Well, we'd better be going now! Good luck finding Mr. Hatter and Mr. Hare!" Alice nervously swatted her hands at the Tweedles and they started towards the forest.

"_Alice!_" Rabbit started again. She swung towards him with a considerable amount of patience lost. "Y-you didn't happen to get any... strange phone calls from either of them, did you?"

"...N-no. I'm pretty sure Wonderland can't call my house."

"Well.... it's-it's... it's quite unimaginable... yesterday mo'a~ning... He'a~ called me to say he was in _yo'a~ room_ with Hatta~."

"M-my room?"

"_YyyYyes!_ An'Ithought..._'_That's_ funneh~...'_ ...And I assumed he was just being the usual pain-in-the-ahss that he's renowned fo'a~."

Alice laughed. "Well! You know Hare." She swirled her finger by the side of her head.

"Y...Yyyes... Well I tried calling him back later but he wouldn't answe'a~... The Queen thinks they're really up to something this time."

"Oh, I'm sure they are... We have to go now."

Although Rabbit still had a finger lifted, the three passed him by.

After some time navigating the forest, hoping to find a place where nobody else was going to intrude, the Tweedles set the mirror down. Dee had an indeterminable look on his face, one Alice knew she had to confront.

"Mr. Dee... " He crossed his arms. "I know this seems really strange... But..." She took a deep breath. "Mr. Hatter and Mr. Hare used this mirror to travel to _my world_ and now they're stuck."

Any deliberate muscle in Dee's face dropped into a disturbed frown when Alice showed no hint of jest.

"...What?"

"That's what _we_ thought," Dum said.

"Well where are they _now_?"

"...They're in my room... hiding behind my bed."

Dee paced around them with his hands behind his back.

"And the mirror is out here because..."

"We thought it'd get better reception," Dum explained. Dee thought about it a moment before slapping him over the back of the head. "What?!"

"Why would _that_ work?"

"Look, we don't have many options. I'd do anything to get them out of my house at this point."

"I thought you liked Hatter and Hare."

"I do. When they're far away from having real influence on my life." Dee frowned some more. "They're driving me COMPLETELY up the wall. They won't listen to what I say, they _left my house_ and wandered around today and I had to take them back while my entire family was in the house... More than once they've almost been caught..." With every complaint's end, Alice leaned into the both of them for emphasis.

"That sounds terrible!" Dum thought fit to reply.

"I didn't think they'd ever be that rude to you..." Dee added.

"Well..." Alice's eyes trailed the ground a little. "They weren't _trying_ to be _rude_... They try to follow the rules... they're just so _stupid."_

The following silence was enough of an agreement.

"What's worse, they keep asking for_ food_! Or _tea_! Or something equally _ridiculous_!"

"Well-"

"When I get back they'll probably ask to use the shower!"

"Well Alice, that part's not exactly their fault," Dee broke it to her.

"It is when you consider that they should have _asked _to come in the first place."

"I agree with Alice!" Dum chimed in, taking her side with a hand on his hip.

"I know where you're coming from, but they probably just got excited. I'm sure if Dum and I knew we could visit you, we wouldn't think we were about to get stuck either." Dee flashed his eyes at Dum, who realized he was probably right. "I doubt Hatter and Hare wanted to inconvenience you."

Alice's shoulders drooped.

"It's hard to remember that when you're being inconvenienced."

"Believe me, we know what it's like to be mad at those two. We just keep our cool."

As if they both knew it was the right moment, they posed back to back.

_Even when they're pests, _

_We try our best, _

_To keep our ugly sides inside at rest_

_Though it's hard to be nice,_

_We just think twice!_

_The best way to counter idiots is cool as ice_

_If they're taxing your patience at a very high price,_

_Then here's a word of advice,_

_Be cool as ice_

Dum finished it off with a few back flips and they eased back into the same position with their arms crossed.

"...That's it?"

"Yes.. The lyricists were lazy today," Dee pronounced, a bit annoyed, through his grinning teeth.

"That's what all the acrobatics were for. To compensate," Dum added.

Alice shrugged. "Well...Do you think I've been too hard on them?"

"We weren't there to judge..." Dee answered. "But if you think you could've been nicer..."

"Maybe you could have," Dum finished for him in that creepy twin tradition.

Alice sighed. "You're probably right. ...If I came here and messed up big time... which by the way would _never_ happen... I'd want to be treated fairly."

The trio smiled to one another and concurred.

"I'd better go back and see if it works now. Hopefully it does. And if it does, I want you to burn this mirror."

The Tweedles nodded awkwardly.

* * *

**Review if you can! That would make me really happy.**

**-Lady Bow  
**


	7. Chapter 7 From Tea Tables to Closets

**Author's Note  
**Hey. :) Sorry that I was off this story for a couple months. I got a little stuck, worked on some other things, but now I feel a little more liberated having wrapped up this chapter/last scene so there might be more coming in the next week or so. Thanks for the favs and alerts.

* * *

**Us Against the World  
Part 7 - From Tea Tables to Closets**

Back in Alice's room, Hatter laid on his stomach, hands under his chin, staring wistfully out from the edge of the bed. Hare, who was leaning against the wall, swayed in his direction. "How much longer do you think it'll be before she gets back?"

"I don't know enough to _think_," Hatter replied, propping himself up. "But I hope she comes back soon... There's nothing to _do_ in here."

"You're telling _me_. I mean I _really __**really **_see why she comes to Wonderland now,"

"Tch, yeah-" Hatter hurried, ending his sentence with a sneeze.

"Bless you."

"Yeah, thanks."

Bored and not really thinking, Hare stretched his arms in between Alice's mattress and let his head fall. Something long and solid seemed to reach his fingertips. He dug in for a better grasp and pulled out a little pink book quite unsuspectingly. "What's _this_?"

Hatter took one look at it. "Oh, good going, Hare, you found Alice's diary."

"I... oh dear."

"You should probably put that back."

"Good idea!" Hare concurred a bit awkwardly. As he was slipping it back in, Hatter sneezed again. Hare slowly returned his arms from underneath the mattress.

"...Bless you... again." Hatter rubbed his nose with his finger a little.

"Thanks."

A second later came another sneeze.

"Bless you... more."

"H'whooh! It must be really dusty back here."

Hare laughed weakly and looked to the floor. When his eyes rose to Hatter again, his whole body was tensing up, and a new round of sneezes followed, one after the other.

"Hatter!" Hare shuffled closer and tried patting him on the shoulder, but the sneezes kept coming.

"I...ACKGHO! Can't stop...ACHHO... sneezing!" Hatter dropped to the rug by Alice's desk with his hand in the air as Hare crawled to his side.

"O-o-oh! You need some tissue!" Hare got up and started searching the room, with no luck. He came back to Hatter's side and clasped his hand in his lap. He had stopped sneezing, but instead he was staring up at the ceiling with his eyes half shut, his own snot blowing a bubble out his nostril. "Oh, Hatter..." Hare whined, leaning into his poor friend, "I hope it isn't really me this time!"

Just then, two feet in white Keds stepped out of the mirror in the background. Alice inspected the scene with her eyes narrowed.

"...Playing hospital?"

Hare swished his head around to her and dropped Hatter's hand. It landed square into his crotch. Hare quickly yanked it back up and placed the arm by Hatter's side. By this time, Alice didn't care anymore and had laid a bag she had brought with her onto the bed. "I brought you two some stuff. In case you can't go back tonight. It's all from Hatter's house, I... didn't really know what all you'd like but..." Hatter lifted his head a moment.

"You didn't go in _the bedroom, _did you?"

"No, actually, I didn't have to..." His head fell back as Hare stood up. He was handed the bag and reached in, pulling out a box of chamomile and lady grey tea and smiling.

"_Thank you_... you have no idea what this means to me and... Hatter..." They looked in his direction and he was still sprawled on the floor. Hare darted his eyes around and continued. He next pulled out a couple of bags with toothbrushes: one purple, one yellow, and toothpaste. "Oh! Oh... that's great."

"Yeah!... I... figured.. that one was yours," she pointed at the yellow one.

"Y-yeah! Uh, sometimes... I just... sleep over at Hatter's, so... I just kept a spare-"

"Yeah, I figured," Alice trailed, looking anywhere but directly at him.

"It's... good to have stuff like that," Hare finished. Both paused. "I sleep on the couch," he clarified. Alice smiled to nothing in particular, so Hare dug his hand back into the bag and pulled out a comb, a brush, and some apricot body spray. "Heh," Hare let out. Alice tried to maintain that completely nonjudgmental smile on her face.

Next came a couple white and yellow undershirts. "I saw them hanging out to dry in the back."

"Oh!" Hare wet his lip nervously. "I-I do Hatter's laundry. It seemed easier to do both ours at the same time, then..."

"Yeah so _anyway," _Alice cut over him. Hare's hands, ready to explain away, dropped to his sides. "This is just in case you can't go back. Mr. Dum and I found your mirror in the attic and moved it. You guys should try it. If it doesn't work, I'll go back tomorrow and see if there's anything else I can do."

"Alright... Did you hear that, Hatter?" Hare hurried over to Hatter, who was rising from the rug and sniffling.

"Yeah, we're going back... Can I have some tissue, _please_? I'm running like Niagara Falls, here."

Alice paused a moment and then dashed off.

When Hatter'd finished clearing his nose, as best as he could, Alice notioned for the mirror again. Hatter set down the box and extended his arm. As he came for the mirror, he sneezed into his free arm and then ran right into it.

"Oh no! It didn't _work_!"

"No, no... Mr. Hatter sneezed! You're not supposed to sneeze when you walk through the mirror. It messes everything up," Alice explained. Hatter shrugged a little and wiped off his nose. He got into stance again before his mouth stretched wide. "Oh for God's sake... Mr. Hare... _you_ try first."

The trapped sneeze in Hatter seemed to die off as he cleared the way for Hare. Determined folds in his face, he puffed out his chest and rose his hand. If there was ever a better way to enter the mirror, none of them knew it. As he neared his reflection, he tilted back his head and closed his eyes, like he were a diva givin' the hand, but the hand bent at the surface and his face landed in it. He stood there a moment with his forehead over his fingers. Alice looked at Hatter before quietly stepping forward and patting Hare on the arm.

"I guess it didn't work..."

"We're," Hatter started his sentence with a surprisingly nasal voice before he cleared his throat, "...we're sorry, Alice."

"No, no... it's fine. I mean it's _not_ fine, but just.... Just forget about it."

Hare finally turned around.

"Alice, are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah...Why do you ask?" She swished her arms a little and came to the bed, where she pounced in front of her pillow and began snuggling a stuffed bear.

Hatter and Hare met eyes and awkwardly stepped to her side.

"Well it's just... you were so _mean _to us earlier-" Before Hare could finish, Hatter jabbed him in the side.

"What Hare means to say is we thought you really wanted us out of here."

"I did... I'm sure you want to leave too. But there's no use crying over spilled milk."

"W-We didn't spill anything in here-" Hare started up, before Hatter jabbed him in the side again.

"She _means_ there's no use getting upset about a bad thing that has already happened."

This just confused Hare even more. "...I would think that'd be the ideal time. Who gets upset _before_ something bad happens?"

Hatter and Alice shared impatient stares.

"Listen, I have a better idea where to keep you. I'm going to clear out my closet so you can both have some room. If you promise to be very quiet, you can help." The two nodded.

Alice wasn't happy that Hatter had crushed one of her Barbie cars, but they managed to move most of her toys under her bed. Once Alice had shoved most of her clothes hangers to the side and threw in some pillows, the place looked very appealing. Hare sat down inside, adjusting the blankets and smiling a little.

"...So I take it it's going to be yours?"

"What?"

"And Mr. Hatter will go back behind the bed?" Hatter's brow dropped. "Well there isn't room for _both of you_ in there."

"Hey, no fair! _I _want the closet."

Hare darted his eyes around. "Sorry, Hatter." Alice tugged Hatter by the arm and lead him back to his least favorite place. "You can come and visit!"

Hatter stooped behind the bed with a frown on his face.

"I'm gonna go get you guys some food,"

- - -

Alice appeared in the kitchen, wearing a zip-up sweater, the reason apparent when she opened the cupboard and started stuffing the items within down her shirt. She also ran some hot water and put it in the biggest mug she could find. On the way across the living room, she ran into her mom.

"What's that?"

"Tea," she replied as casually as possible."

"Tea at 9:30?"

"M-my stomach's a little upset."

"Alice, are you sick, honey?" Her mother laid a hand on her forehead. "You haven't been acting like yourself today."

"N-No, I'm fine, Mom... I'm sure it'll pass."

"Okay... But if you need me-"

"I _know_... But I'll be fine. _Really_." Alice flashed her free hand for emphasis, but when her mother tried to hug her, she swished to the side and laughed when a crinkling sound came from her chest. She tried to make a similar sound by sucking on her front teeth. "Yep!" At that, she cautiously went for the stairs, trying not to make any more noise.

She entered her silent bedroom once more and prepared the tea, then came to the closet. When she opened it, they were both sitting there.

The boys ate ravenously. No Cheez-It remained in the bag, no Scooby Doo fruit snack uneaten... Alice was finally beginning to find this predicament somewhat entertaining. Not in the "ha-ha" sort of way. ...More in the "I can't believe this is my fucking life right now" sort of way.... Tossing snack foods into her closet at two adult men in weird looking clothes.

Eventually all three of them were in there playing Uno.

Once Alice realized she was actually having fun with them, she peaked out the closet door and saw that it was almost eleven at night.

"Oh shit. I should've been in bed an hour ago."

Without so much as a word, the guys watched her exit the closet and prepare for bed.

"Keep this closed for a minute," she ordered, and closed the closet door. Hare looked to Hatter, who just shrugged. When the door opened again, Alice was wearing some button-up pajamas with a fun cloud pattern. "You guys should go to bed now," she said, turning off the lights. As she hopped into bed, Hatter and Hare just stared. She took notice, a little annoyed.

"I'm sorry, but if I don't go to bed now, I'll sleep in all day tomorrow and then my mom will come in here. You wouldn't want _that_, would you?" They both shook their heads no. "Goodnight."

She turned to her side and faced the wall.

Hatter slowly closed the closet door and stared at Hare a moment. "...Hare, I'm not tired."

"Neither am I."

"I'm not used to having somebody else tell me when to go to bed."

"Yeah, let alone a little girl."

"You're telling me."

"I _am,"_ Hare asserted playfully. They snickered a little. "Hey, go get that bag that Alice brought."

Hatter obeyed. The bag was sitting next to Alice's bedside table before a Hatter on all fours appeared next to her and snatched it up. The two set it between them. Hare immediately took out the brush and started fixing his hair. "I'd do anything for a _shower..._" He sort of whined.

"Me too! I mean, my hair is losing its lustrous shine!" Hatter added, swishing his hair with his hand and pouting.

"Mine's losing its charming lemon scent."

"I knew something felt missing..."

"What?"

"I... I don't know. I guess I noticed."

Hare paused a moment, set the brush down, and smiled at Hatter, who wasn't sure why the comment was of such importance. He faintly smiled back and misted himself with some of the apricot body spray.

Just then Hare extended his leg in front of Hatter and pulled down his sock.

"I've gotta shave like no tomorrow, too."

"OHGHH, _GOD! _PUT THAT AWAY!"

He nervously covered himself back up and coughed.

"Sorry."

Neither of them spoke a moment as they situated a little inside the closet, unable to really lay down without bumping into each other at first. They settled on opposite ends, facing away from each other's legs. Hare was clutching his pillow, staring into the wall, still in thought.

"...It wasn't _that_ bad..." He finally muttered. He waited for Hatter to reply, but he didn't. "...You come from a much hairier family than me." Hatter propped himself up and gaped at him.

"You're a_ hare_!"

"Well you're Dutch!" Hatter's open mouth sagged. "And Norwegian!"

"...You're the one born with a full head of hair!" He retorted.

"_You're_ the one with frosted mini wheats for eyebrows!"

"Oh yeah, sure, you can compare my eyebrows to your legs."

"Dormouse could get lost in there!"

Hatter looked on like he couldn't believe this conversation was even happening.

"Thanks, I'm glad to know you think about this kind of stuff when you look at my face."

Hare suddenly looked guilty. "Oh, come onnn, I didn't mean it like that. ...I like your face."

A silence passed over them again and Hare was kind of waiting for Hatter to say something nice back, but he never did. Instead, he sneezed.

Neither of them much acknowledged it until he sneezed again.

"Godamnit," Hatter said to himself. They tried to ignore it but it continued on. Hatter sat up all the way and sniffed ruffly. "What is with me and all this _sneezing?! __**You're**_ not sneezing!"

"I... I don't know!"

"Maybe it's because I'm laying next to your feet." Hare's face dropped a little angrily.

"I'll have you know, my feet are _roses_!" He declared.

"Not after a few days without showering."

Hare's front teeth tapped over his bottom lip a moment, his response unprepared. "...You're not being very nice."

Just then Alice was heard outside the closed closet door.

"Will you guys shut up?! You're both hairy, you both smell bad, and neither of you are gonna get to shave, so just go to bed!"

They looked to each other uncomfortably and shuffled around for their blanket. This time Hatter lowered to Hare's side, who in reaction immediately recoiled into the closet wall to maintain space, or as little of it that they had. A moment later, he had hid his face with the blanket, so Hatter laid half covered, crossing his arms and sort of just staring into the ceiling. He glanced at the shape of his buddy and reached back to turn off Alice's portable Cinderella lamp. In the darkness, he sniffled a little and paused. _"...'Night Hare."_


End file.
